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| Croissanville, France © MarilynJeulin |
I picked it up again on Saturday, and rewrote the first 5k words again. After posting this to my Facebook and asking a few of my Author friends for feedback, one of them surprised me with her comments. So after talking to Michelle Conrwell-Jordan about the scene, and listening to her awesome advice, I realized why this wasn't working. Airbrushed was just not a regular dystopian, but it a Steampunk Dystopian world. After that, things got increasingly better. :) For now, I'll leave you with this excerpt and hope you like it.
Rough Draft
I
leap off the bed, as the door of my bedroom opens and I find Ally Mae staring
at me from the opened door.
“What
is that? It sounds like a cat.” Ally Mae says in a muttered voice as we lean
closer to my window.
The
street gas lamps have been extinguished as per the law, so it’s hard to see
beyond the window. However, the house opposite ours, Ivan’s, has all the gas
lamps lit up. We can see the movement of the inhabitants reflected on the drawn
white curtains. Ivan’s younger brothers are rushing from window to window,
closing them in an effort to stop the sound from escaping them.
“It’s
the baby.” Ally Mae tells me as I nod.
“Girls.”
Mother calls us as we turn around. “Get back in the bed.”
“No,
they’re going to do it, aren’t they?” Ally Mae states as I frown.
“Do
what?” I ask as Ally Mae’s eyes return to the house and I peer through the
curtain as well.
“Please,
get back to bed. If they see you…” My mother’s voice is cut by the imminent
arrival of the Doctors.
“They’re
here.” Ally Mae announces as my mother pulls me away from the window and then
looks out herself, as if to make sure that they ‘re there and that my sister’s
not just pulling her leg.
We
hear Ivan’s mother scream, the sound is unlike anything I’ve ever heard, not
even during Ally Mae’s bad days has she made a sound like that. It cuts through
the night, leaving nothing but an eerie silence which threatens the very own
fabric of our lives.
The
Doctors rush in, and suddenly Ivan’s mother is brought out of the house with a
bundle in her hands. She’s still crying and screaming, no, no, no as they try
to put her inside the carriage.
“What’s
happening?” I ask as my mother pulls
away from the window and takes Ally Mae’s hand in hers.
“They’re
airbrushing them.” My sister says devoid of emotions as our eyes meet. I gasp
taking a step back, as her eyes look dead to me.
“Airbrushing…
they don’t do that… they’ve not done that in a century.” I protest as quiet as
I can.
“Ally
Mae, go have your syrup.” Mother commands her in a soft tone, but it means
business. Once my sister walks away, Mother’s eyes turn to me. “Brooklyn, it’s
all real.” Her voice is like cold steel as she sits on my bed and pats the
empty side beside her. I sit down, my heart hammering in my chest as more
hooves can be heard in the dead of the night, Ivan’s mother’s screams die away.
“Is
father…”
“Father
is fine, he complies with everything the government asks of us, and they don’t
know we’ve been putting together all the old information that we found in the
archives. That technology… the technology you’ve read about in your books,
we’ve been working on bringing it back. It just … it’ll take some time.”
“But
they’ll hurt you…”
“Not
us. I promise you.” She states in a convincing way, such a way that I’m almost
nodding, but my fears increase.
“How
do you know?”
“Because
we’re careful. I assure you, nothing will happen to our family. However, you
can’t let anyone know. Not that we know, that you know. Tomorrow, when you go
to school and they ask you, don’t hesitate. You slept all night after dinner
and your prayers, you heard nothing.”
“I’m
not a good liar.” I tell her as she looks me in the eye.
“You’ll
learn to be one.” My mother answers with a sad expression. “You’ll need to in
order to survive.”
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